2022 Year In Review

" Do you want to make a bet?" I glanced up and asked. It was the 18th of December. Either France was on its way to be the first nation in 60 years to defend the World Cup or Messi being remembered as the greatest football player of all time. She then replied with just her eyes glanced down, we didn't need to bet. I followed her gaze and found two big pupils looking right back at us. Avin was 3 weeks old that night. No it wasn't the World Cup (I missed that match), but it was our first born yet to distinguish nighttime and daytime. I was trying to get his mother out for a walk outside of the condo if I was to win the bet by laying him down successfully - but I obviously lost.  I stop trying and went back outside for more walking around the room to put him to sleep. In 2022, we became parents, and out of all experiences we've had so far - this is probably the most "life-changing" in all the ways that the words could mean. I'm now joined with those who gave us more than kind words and warmth - it felt like a nod with a smirk of welcoming to a club. I didn't know why parenting shared such a camaraderie, but I now know why. Like runners who identify themself with running, parenting is a marathon. 

"it’s probably best not to start out by asking 'What am I seeking?' Rather, it’s better to ask 'Who would I be if I weren’t seeking anything?'" - Haruki Murakami, Novelist as a Vocation

As we bid farewell to 2022, here are a few thoughts on my mind. 

The most helpless experience I've had in my life was in the labour room the day my son was born. I hate seeing his mom cry and they won't let me in during the epidural procedure. The acknowledgement document left on the counter that mentioned risk of paralysis and loss of vision didn't help, and the three anaesthesiologists who were walking in and out of the room mentioning her Scoliosis made it worse. Anxiety led me to read up on spinal injection side effect and I worried about the lower blood pressure when her blood pressure is already naturally low. I was thinking to myself that how could the most natural thing like birth can be this painful. Reflecting back, risks are all around and there are plenty to be afraid off from the first ultrasound to monthly check-ups, labour, and the first week to first month to first year. Thoughts that came to my mind was how I would trade everything I own for the health of my loved ones. We may call these moments part of an "ordinary" life, but I now know - it's nothing short of a miracle. 

"We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken." ― John Green, Looking For Alaska. 

One need to be hopeful to decide to have children. While I'm not sure if I'm an optimist, I selfishly need something to look forward to. I'm never certain if my child is going to turn-out okay, but he does give me hope and that is enough.Avin, I now know why you bring to the world not just your tiny life, but you bring more life to all of us. You will have a choice  to fall in love with the world - I would hold my expectation and be content with that hope. 

"Because the only thing you can give to men who already have everything is a second chance. And you’re all of their second chances. Every day." Fedrik Backman wrote in Things My Son Needs to Know about the World

Both Sides Now is a song by a singer-song writer Joni Mitchell. I discovered (or rediscovered, it sounded so familiar) it in CODA, a movie we watched before Avin was born. I fell in love with the song.  To think about it, in life, we take on different mountains summiting various peaks. I've hiked past my youth, and my years of formal education, and maybe passing the peak of travelling young. When my son was born - I realised that I am on a different side, another face of the mountain. Joni was 23 in 1968 when she wrote Both Sides Now, and she sang it again when she was 32 in the year 2000, and again earlier year at the Newport Folk Festival as she is 77. The duality of the song still rang true through time and I wonder if one would really know what life is at 23, 32, or 77. Here's to side B of my life and may we make memory on both sides that we can look back at our naivitiy in awe.

Here are 32 photos I took in 2022 - light and time that I will treasure. Have a wonderful 2023.